New favorite blogs

I added a couple blogs to my links on the side. Here's what I've been reading for courage and inspiration lately...

Bad Catholic - LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this blog. Want your life infused with some papistry?, asks Marc Barnes of Bad Catholic. He's 18 and has a wonderfully orthodox way of explaining what Catholics actually believe to the nay-sayers while making them laugh. Have you ever read kick-*** and Bishops in the same sentence? OK, so it's a little edgy. He has an awesome video of the Stand Up for Religious Freedom rallies - go watch and get some courage!

Simcha Fisher - go-to place for Mommy courage. And Catholic courage. And parenting courage. And wife courage.

Smattering of Spring

Just some random photos of what we've been up to in the past few weeks. Behold - the pile of taxes. DH has been quite busy with all the taxes and associated things, but it's been a treat living in the same town as he works now. We've been seeing a lot more of him, although his weekends and evenings are still busy. But very grateful - it's been a good tax season for him.

How can you not love a face like this? These silly glasses are older than I am and continue to impress small children far and near.

The boy is really into coloring lately. His southpaw holds him up a bit, but he is gradually learning how to stay in the lines (if he wants to). We've been coloring a lot of dinosaurs and violent Bible stories lately (David and Goliath, Samson pulling the temple down upon himself and everyone else, Daniel looking into the mouth of a hungry lion, etc.) - he's all boy!

And just a simple demonstration of how advanced education steals away one's common sense, bit by bit. I was trying to make myself a cup of tea as well as get lunch on the table. It took me about five minutes to figure out that I had no tea, and then when I went looking for it, couldn't find the cup, and when I found the cup, couldn't find the tea bag. Tea bag was found floating in a water glass. Sigh... I'm going to be useless by the time I finish school.

Lent is nearly half-done already! It doesn't feel like Lent what with the beautiful sunshine and WARM temps here. Our snow is completely gone and we even took the bikes out on an inaugural ride (in March - here) this week. Loving up spring break - it will be hard to return after this week of freedom. Did get another paper out the door this week and working on finishing grading the other big papers I had sitting in my inbox. Now it's just finish up the practicum hours and write another big paper for that - and I'm home free!!!!!

Good Knights and Bad Knights

M.T. is most definitely into the good versus evil dichotomy right now. His favorite bedtime-delaying question is "What do bad knights do?". At first it was easy to find answers - they capture fair ladies, they fight against the good knights, they don't say their prayers, etc. However, these standard answers are no longer good enough for my little warrior, so a little creativity is required. They don't brush their teeth, they don't eat vegetables, they never go to bed on time, they never say please and thank you. He's actually quite interested in all these silly answers, but I sense my ability to come up with convincing answers is running short.

We found the neatest book at the library the other day - "It's Fun to Draw Knights and Castles" by Mark Bergin. It has very simple line drawings that even I can do. We started drawing some random knights on paper, but then he had the idea he could fight with them. That morphed into something that looks like this...

My little man surrounded by a knight on a horse, an Arabian knight (named for Poppa because he also has a mustache), a Norman knight, spear knight, and mace knight. The boy and I are about equally matched in artistic talent - I did most of the drawing and he did quite a bit of the coloring.

Look out, fair lady, you are about to be captured by bad knights and carried away from your royal family...

You'll never storm our castle, you bad knights, you!

And the archer will rain down arrows upon thy sorry brow.

The people are all pasted onto cardboard and propped up with stands. We made a large box into a castle by taping open the flaps, cutting out notches, and then putting in another piece of box with tabs glued in for the upper level with a trapdoor. I have a feeling this freebie project will be played with many times more than the $10 puzzles we just got for him!

Submitted!!!

As we speak, "Nursing Student Attitudes toward Oncology Nursing: An Evidence-Based Literature Review" is sitting in a certain journal's inbox, just waiting for peer review to begin!

Ahhhhh - graduation is one step closer!

Peace

I've been trying to write this for a couple months and haven't known quite how to say it, but it needs to be said. So here goes.

After we went to Omaha this summer I felt more calm about our family size - we finally knew what was wrong and that our inability to have another baby wasn't just "in my head". That peace steadily evaporated as the months went on - lab draw after injection after cycle review after phone call. My anger grew and envy accumulated. I began to feel like I couldn't go another day, that craziness was taking over. The old fears began to re-surface - our son would be scarred for life because he never had a sibling, we would exhaust all our resources and never have a child, I could never raise someone else's child, I'll become a dried-up pants-suit-wearing academic, and so on. It seemed everyone around me was expecting a child and I had had it. Christmas was coming and although we were happy to hold our own little traditions, I wanted a rambunctious bunch of children fighting over whose turn it was to blow out the Advent candles.

I wanted to cry throughout the day on Christmas Eve. The sugar cookies didn't turn out very well (like the rest of the Christmas baking), the house wasn't clean enough for my nit-picky tastes, and I just wasn't spiritually ready for Christmas. We hauled ourselves off to Christmas Eve Mass at 5 PM, anticipating Michael would not make it through a Midnight Mass service. We parked five blocks away and ran to make it in time, but we were late. Not only that, but church was overflowing (of course it always is, but why did I think it would be fine to show up in the nick of time instead of early for Christmas Eve Mass? I don't know...). We stood in the entrance for awhile wondering what to do, then sat down on folding chairs (behind the closed doors to the sanctuary), and then decided we would try our luck inside. We stood in the back with a few dozen others, and then someone scooted over in a pew to make room for us. I think he thought we were "C & Es", what with my bewildered face.

My mood was not congruent with Christmas Eve Mass - thinking about how I was going to finish up supper quickly when we got home and mentally chastising myself for our lateness. Michael was fussing about not being able to see. Then Father began his homily - what did you bring Baby Jesus for Christmas? It was a simple premise, asking each person to consider how their Advent preparation had been oriented to serving Jesus and making gifts of ourselves for Him. I felt so empty - my Advent had been futile - no prayer, no preparation (at least not of the kind Father was talking about), no joy and anticipation. "What did you bring Baby Jesus for Christmas?"

"Nothing, Baby Jesus, I have nothing for you." I prayed silently, holding back tears.
Then there was a small voice. "I know what I want from you for Christmas."
"What?" I'm afraid to ask, but I do.
"I want your desire for a child."
"You know I can't give that to You. I've tried so many times and failed. It's dark, dirty, ugly, and twisted. It's sad and angry. You don't want that."
"Yes, I do. Please give it to me."

And then He gave me the grace and help to turn it over. It was much more a gift for me than to my little Lord. I gave Him a dark, sad fear and longing, and He gave me peace. The pit in my heart was immediately replaced by a glowing peace - no more fear for the future, no more self-blame, no more bargaining. Jesus knew I couldn't give Him anything as I looked at Him in His passion on the crucifix - I couldn't offer it up because I was afraid of what He would say and do. But Baby Jesus knew nothing can be refused a tiny, helpless Infant who so wants to love and be loved.

Some days are still difficult and there are still frustrations. But I am no longer afraid. I may be a mother to one for the rest of my life. That's OK. We may start the adoption process, as God directs us, and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I'm so grateful - relying on myself and wallowing in my desires for so long was so icky - this peace is a beautiful thing.

My prayer is for peace for all of my friends and family - peace and grace upon those things that are deep within, may Jesus find them and ask for them.