"Stealth Pregnancy" is what my Dear Hubby called it last week, after we had been with friends, some of whom were expecting. After so many months of "no", it's been a hard mindset to realize we are actually waiting for a baby.
Not waiting for the labwork to improve. Not waiting for a medication adjustment to show some evidence of help. Not waiting for surgery or tests or the next step. Waiting for a baby.
We have no due date. We have no doctors appointments or trimesters to mark time. The call could come tomorrow - or in months down the road. All I know for sure is that somewhere out there, two people's lives are changing in ways they didn't expect, and it's not good news. It's hard to accept that our happiness is dependent on sorrow in their lives. Maybe the pain of waiting for these years has been God's way of showing us how much something can hurt, so we can just sort-of begin to understand what it means to hurt like our baby's birth parents will... or are. I feel a sense of urgency to PRAY for this baby and for his/her birth parents, RIGHT NOW. It's been in my dreams and in my waking, even when I'm not thinking about the future. I'm probably just emotional about finally being on the waiting list, but regardless, I will pray. And hope everyone all around us will pray for the birth parents and baby along with us.
We chose names this weekend. Again, it feels surreal. Even thinking about baby names in the past wasn't much fun - just a reminder of something we couldn't have. Now we have names - beautiful names - chosen, for the little one for whom we are waiting. We'll probably reveal the names at some point, but for now, I'm savoring them in my heart. It was an easy decision, and reinforced by some beautiful little signs. I'll share later - for now, we continue to wait in prayer, and with hope.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
So I was trying to find some resources for teaching elections with a kindergartner and a few things popped up as being available on Pinterest. I decided to sign up for an account, but I am so confused by it! I guess it's a sign of my impending birthday marking a transition to a new decade (and no, it's not 50, but I kind of feel like it). Is anyone else on Pinterest? Or know how to use it effectively to find and do fun things? I found a couple knitting things which I'm excited about, and some gardening stuff, but the whole how to use it thing is boggling me.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Hurts
Sitting up in our rocking chair at 1:00 AM is not a wise sort of thing to do. I am old enough to know better and recognize the near 100% likelihood of my being a zombie when The Boy hops on my head early in this morning. But I can't sleep and my stomach is still churning from the remnants of the day (the day before, Good Lord) so here I am, in my rocking chair, at 1 o'crazy AM.
Sometimes hurts pile on us when we least expect or even when we were anticipating joy instead. Things that shouldn't even be hurts somehow penetrate deeper than we thought they could. Once a hurt digs in, it opens the door for other things to hurt more than they would on their own, or for us to perceive things as hurts that we wouldn't on an ordinary day.
This is where being an Eeyore sort of individual makes life just a little more sucky. The Poohs don't really get it so just keep on looking for the hunny pots, the Rabbits are bothered but find a type-A way of handling the situation, and the Piglets forgive and forget. Kanga makes cookies which Roo eats with a glass of milk and a smile, but Eeyore just keeps eating his thistles and sighing. I've spent the majority of this week (which has seemed like a month, not just half the week that it's been) in the thistle-field, obsessing over my inability to stop worrying - how to turn that switch off and just accept things for what they are without replaying and reviewing ad nauseam. I lectured on oncology nursing on Monday and sagely advised the attentive pupils (meaning - those who weren't busy sleeping, texting, or whispering to each other) to "fix what you can" and "don't try to fix what you can't". Yeah. What is the point of dishing advice one can't take herself?
I've heard that our faults and quirks are one of the ways God loves us and the path He has put us on to perfect us. That in our weakness we are strong, and when we feel most alone, God is closest. These things are true - yes, I know they are true - but I find hard to make sense of on days like today. If God wants me to be a holy wife, a holy mother, a teacher who sprinkles a tiny bit of salt, a daughter of the Father who rests in His arms and trusts Him - why are there roadblocks in the way? Fighting the daily struggle is a noble thing, especially when we entrust our cause to God and let Him take the lead - but then I find myself failing day after day, and with each passing day, it gets harder and harder to fight, to get up and go again. If God wants me to be at peace and trust Him, why did He let me have such a fretful disposition? If God wanted me to hang with the tough kids, why is my skin so thin? If God wants me to be a mother, why have we been waiting for four years? If God wants me to pray, why is it so hard to talk to Him? If He wants to help carry our burdens, why is it so hard to lay them down?
I should also know better than to blog at 1 o'mentally fogged AM, but it's a release valve. Perhaps this late night worrying is practice for late night feedings and floor-pacings hopefully not too many months in the distance. One thing I know is true - and know in my heart and not just my brain - that our Father loves us, and even though His love looks awfully strange some days, it's still love, and it's still for us.
Sometimes hurts pile on us when we least expect or even when we were anticipating joy instead. Things that shouldn't even be hurts somehow penetrate deeper than we thought they could. Once a hurt digs in, it opens the door for other things to hurt more than they would on their own, or for us to perceive things as hurts that we wouldn't on an ordinary day.
This is where being an Eeyore sort of individual makes life just a little more sucky. The Poohs don't really get it so just keep on looking for the hunny pots, the Rabbits are bothered but find a type-A way of handling the situation, and the Piglets forgive and forget. Kanga makes cookies which Roo eats with a glass of milk and a smile, but Eeyore just keeps eating his thistles and sighing. I've spent the majority of this week (which has seemed like a month, not just half the week that it's been) in the thistle-field, obsessing over my inability to stop worrying - how to turn that switch off and just accept things for what they are without replaying and reviewing ad nauseam. I lectured on oncology nursing on Monday and sagely advised the attentive pupils (meaning - those who weren't busy sleeping, texting, or whispering to each other) to "fix what you can" and "don't try to fix what you can't". Yeah. What is the point of dishing advice one can't take herself?
I've heard that our faults and quirks are one of the ways God loves us and the path He has put us on to perfect us. That in our weakness we are strong, and when we feel most alone, God is closest. These things are true - yes, I know they are true - but I find hard to make sense of on days like today. If God wants me to be a holy wife, a holy mother, a teacher who sprinkles a tiny bit of salt, a daughter of the Father who rests in His arms and trusts Him - why are there roadblocks in the way? Fighting the daily struggle is a noble thing, especially when we entrust our cause to God and let Him take the lead - but then I find myself failing day after day, and with each passing day, it gets harder and harder to fight, to get up and go again. If God wants me to be at peace and trust Him, why did He let me have such a fretful disposition? If God wanted me to hang with the tough kids, why is my skin so thin? If God wants me to be a mother, why have we been waiting for four years? If God wants me to pray, why is it so hard to talk to Him? If He wants to help carry our burdens, why is it so hard to lay them down?
I should also know better than to blog at 1 o'mentally fogged AM, but it's a release valve. Perhaps this late night worrying is practice for late night feedings and floor-pacings hopefully not too many months in the distance. One thing I know is true - and know in my heart and not just my brain - that our Father loves us, and even though His love looks awfully strange some days, it's still love, and it's still for us.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Approved!
It's official - we are approved for adoption in our state! I've been bad about posting on what steps we've been completing as they go by, but we persevered and all the paperwork is wrapped up. Our profile books are printed (they look GREAT - thank goodness for an alternative to scrapbooks - I always put things in crooked or mess up the writing as I use marking pens) and are now available for birth parents to see. I felt so blue after our third and final home study visit. It signified an end to something TO DO and the start of waiting again. We are no strangers to waiting, but my patience level with waiting is at times not where it should be. Over the past week, though, God has been so gracious in granting peace to my heart again. It could be a long wait or a short wait (the latter, please!), but in the meantime I have set my heart to peaceful preparation. This is the time to get those things done I've been wanting to do. I pulled out the dozen rows of knitting on a sweater that had me stumped and started over. I bought more yarn for baby knitting - a kimono, mittens, hats - who knows all what, but my needles are going to be a-clickin'. We're going to visit Grandma K this weekend, get ready for the All Saints party, got a movie from the library to watch. This time won't be wasted, and hopefully the call will find us peacefully prepared.
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